Does anyone else in the world get the same satisfaction as I do deleting old emails? It’s refreshing, no? I was deleting old emails from my school account the other day and came across a typical one from a student clarifying a homework assignment. But this email had a sweet blessed P.S. “By the way, happy Mother’s day since you’re going to be a Mom soon!”
Yes, Mother’s Day this year held many tears. 2016, the year I am to be a Mother. A mother of another woman’s children. This year I no longer grieve the body of mine that cannot create our own heritage from the Lord. This year I grieve the lives, struggles, and choices of the Mama’s that are going to make me one. These women who will reach their lowest low making me the one to take over in the raising of the child that came from their own heart and body. It’s a strange place my heart is in. If all goes according to our current timeline we will have a little in our home in a few short weeks. If we were building a family in a biological way I would be giant and probably so done being pregnant. We would have a birth plan, a nursery prepped, and perhaps have a party for a soul whose gender and name is often on our lips and stolen our hearts. I have none of this. We don’t know the day when this precious one will change our lives, we won’t know gender, age, possibly not even a name!
I talk about this topic often as it is heavy on my mind. I get excited answering people’s questions, I get emotional thinking about it when lying in bed at night. But something pulls me. Something deep in my heart tugs and begs for my attention.
AS a musician, music has an intensely visceral way of getting into my heart. It is able to get in the darkest places and pull out things I wasn’t even aware of. A song we are working on in our church choir revealed to me a surprising and shameful amount of doubt a quiet, and unassuming part of my nature was tightly grasping. Sometimes this phenomena makes me upset! Why could I not just go on blessedly unaware? Why Lord, bring this painful thing up for me to deal with? Maybe if I stayed unaware then it would just quietly slip away.
The piece is called “An offering.” I know this text has no direct association with foster care but oh my, did it reveal some things in my heart!
My attitude toward the process was what I thought was complete readiness, and willingness. I had open hands…
“Yet if behind my open hands, my heart shrinks from the cost.
Teach me nothing offered you, is ever truly lost…”
The sudden reality of the personal loss behind foster care has become painfully clear. I was prepared to give of our money, our time, our home, and as much of my heart as I could… but am I ready to offer the little one to God to loose in a human sense?
What a woman of God Hannah must have been. To offer her first-born, her only-born; not just a temporary placement, but the removal of her chastisement to the Lord! And then to leave that place rejoicing in the time she had with him! She understood the sacrifice was one that could never be lost.
“Why should I cling to gifts you give? Why grasp in foolish pride?
What you who gave yourself for me, now bids me lay aside…”
Why do I struggle? There is One who without hesitation gave all of Himself for me. How could I not gladly and willingly release my grasp on a gift he gives to me -The free-gift Giver.
“To know you is my highest gain! Worth any sacrifice.
A treasure worthy to possess, at any earthly price…”
Is this personal loss, this strange new grief not even yet experienced to become a treasure to me, for it brings about the surpassing greatness of knowing the One who sacrificed all?
Is there any pursuit more worthy than this? This calling of caring is it to be any more than an attempt to have just a taste “of the fellowship that brings me near the cross?”