“Merry-Go-Round”

The house is quiet…

Our massive brown friend sleeping contentedly at my feet

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The room is mixed with the aroma of fresh cut lilacs and dark roast

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The moment should feel serene….but the ticking clock above my head reminds me of the pressures, the fleeting time, the extensive to do list. My heart is pulled toward the ever present marry-go-round of tasks and  things I have treasured more. I want to cling desperately to the ever faster spinning force that so quickly whirls me away from the Beloved.

meryy go round

A humid summer evening in the place of worship I call most dear, the room is hushed except for wondering, squirming children. The grown-ups take the communion in still meditation. The room is so quiet I can almost hear the silent prayers going up to the heavens. I wonder if others can hear the war waging in my heart.

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I bow my head to pray. Nothing. My heart aches even though it is empty. Where has my passion gone? I raise my hand and blurt out an obligatory testimony. “Surely Jesus, you know I love you now! See what I just did?”

All the while I can feel the Lord approaching, he is coming near. He says; “Come unto me….I will give you rest…learn of me…you will find rest for your soul!”

My heart fidgets like the small children in the pew in front of me. I want to call out “Lord I want you to come, but please wait my house is messy!”

He comes closer still. “No, don’t clean child, be still”

Still I protest. “Please wait! I don’t want you to see!”

He says; “I am not coming because your house is clean, I come because it is messy.”

I wince, realizing that he already knows what is inside of my whitewashed sepulcher. I cannot clean it enough, I cannot keep him out.

I am unfaithful.

Fearfully unfaithful.

I walk down the aisle with great trepidation. I am walking down the aisle toward my Groom. He knows my secret. He has seen inside and found dead man’s bones. I am afraid and unfaithful, yet he bids me come anyway. He looks on me as a Groom loves his bride and says;

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

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The clock is still ticking, emails still flooding, phone still buzzing, I am still clinging to the merry-go-round. Are his promises, is not the love of the Beloved enough to convince me to let go?

I cried to the Savior, “Forgive me, I pray.”

He granted cleansing and sins fell away.

My bondage was ended, my heart was set free;

Lord, nevermore may I wander from Thee.

Create in me a clean heart, my Father.

Renew a right spirit in me.

Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation;

May Christ be seen in me.

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